For parents

When they ask again: answering a child’s reassurance seeking

This sheet is for the question your child has already asked four times today. It sets out a way of replying that stops supplying the answer while making it clear you are still there.

Download the PDF (112 KB) See the sheet on this page

A4, free, no sign-up. The PDF is tagged for screen readers.

Anxious children ask questions that have already been answered, such as whether the door is locked. Answering works for a short while, but the relief teaches the child that the question needed asking, so the doubt returns sooner and the questions multiply. This sheet is for parents who want to reply differently without seeming to abandon their child.

How it is used in parent work

The sheet is for parents in parent-based work for child anxiety or OCD, once the early sessions are done. Parents write their reply in a session, practise saying it aloud and then use it at home. Your child does not need to see the sheet, but they should be told about the change beforehand, at a calm moment when they are not anxious.

A reply, written out

Suppose a nine-year-old asks, for the fifth time before bed, whether the front door is locked. The parent’s section might end up like this.

Example of a written reply
On the sheet	What the parent wrote
What they usually ask	“Are you sure you locked the door? Can you check again?”
What I usually say	“Yes, I checked, it’s locked, go to sleep.” Then I go and check with her.
What I will say instead	“You’re really worried about the door. I’ve answered that and I’m not going to answer again, because answering keeps the worry going. I know you can handle this feeling, and I’m staying right here.”
What I will do while she is upset	Sit on the end of her bed and read the next chapter, and not go downstairs to check.

Where parents slip

The reply often grows until it contains the reassurance again in a gentler form, such as explaining how burglars choose houses, so keep it short and use much the same words each time. The other slip is leaving the room to avoid the question, which a child can take as a punishment. The sheet asks you to stay with your child and change what you are doing together, which keeps the approach supportive rather than cold.

The approach comes from SPACE, a treatment delivered to parents only, which has been tested against CBT with the child in a randomised trial. I know of no research testing this reply on its own.

For parents

When they ask again

Answering reassurance seeking without feeding it, and without being cold

Reassurance brings relief for a short while, and then the question comes back, usually a little more urgently. The aim is to stop supplying the answer while still responding warmly to your child.

Two parts to it: say that you understand, and say what you believe they can do. Then stay, and do not answer the question again.

The shape of a reply

Name what they are feeling, in their words, not yours.
Say plainly that you are not going to answer it again, and why, in one short sentence.
Say what you think they can manage.
Stay with them. Change what you are doing together, not whether you are there.

Writing your own

What they usually ask

What I usually say

What I will say instead, in my own words

What I will do while they are upset

What to expect

The questions usually increase at first, because the answer has stopped coming. A child who has always been answered will ask harder when the answer stops coming. That increase means your child has noticed the change. If your child becomes aggressive or talks about hurting themselves, keep everyone safe first and get professional help before going further, and in an emergency call 999.

Consistency matters more than getting the wording right. If both parents answer differently, the questions go to whoever answers.

Using and sharing this sheet

Free to print and use for personal or clinical use, including by other clinicians with their own clients, provided it is unchanged and the footer is left on. Not for sale. You do not need to ask, sign up or give an email address, and the download is not tracked. If you want to adapt the wording for your own service, write your own version rather than editing this one, so that the footer never ends up on something I did not write.

A worksheet, not treatment, advice about your situation or a diagnosis. It is best used alongside a qualified clinician. If using it makes things worse, stop and speak to your GP or clinician. In an emergency call 999. Written by Anxiety CBT Ltd and free to print for personal or clinical use.

Sources

Lebowitz, E. R., Marin, C., Martino, A., Shimshoni, Y., & Silverman, W. K. (2020). Parent-based treatment as efficacious as cognitive-behavioral therapy for childhood anxiety: a randomized noninferiority study of Supportive Parenting for Anxious Childhood Emotions. Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, 59(3), 362-372. The trial included 124 children aged 7 to 14. doi.org/10.1016/j.jaac.2019.02.014 (opens in a new tab)

Written by Dr Daniel O’Rourke, PhD, ABPP, CPsychol, HCPC-registered Clinical Psychologist Last reviewed: September 2026

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